Ok, I know been quite some time since my last post, tut,tut, but here now. Lots happened too since last time kids have had Summer hols come and go if ya can call it a Summer, pfft! My eldest daughter has also started high school now too. I was soo worried for her on her first day she has to catch a bus and all that goes through me mind is hope she's ok. Luckily she is and loves it!
As for me had some good days and some real down on myself days. Just wish i knew where to start to sort me self out! Been looking at volunteering jobs lately but just don't know what would suit a quiet, very shy anxious ridden weird person like me...lol....I do work part time but hate it really i know i am worth so much more than just a cleaner and that i can do more it's just the whole what can i do??? kinda question. Interview scare the pants off me and the whole thing of em seeing me as a cleaner since school is enough to put anyone off! Feel like i'm trapped with no way forwards,. I need a chance to go forwards but with this major anxiety of meeting people etc my feet feel glued to the floor.
Recently though tried my hand at drawing again cos i haven't done it for well over 10 yrs and thought i put me stuff on an artist website... http://www.artistportfolio.net/index.php?secret=140&artist_id=12441 yeah ok nothing special but i like doing them, kinda helps me to focus on something other than what a total failure i am.

Tough week!

Blimey! Have ya ever had one of them weeks where ya just can't wait for the weekend, well this is one of them. Guess all started around Friday really. after picking kids up from school headed to me mum as normal, only this Friday we saw the aftermath of a murder. All that runs through my mind is the poor man's family, what is this world comming too! Also worried about it affecting my kids seeing what they did....not nice.
Saturday was my eldest daughters dance show at the Victoria Hall. The thing that got me all a flustered was that when i picked her up for a break i saw my old school friend, but me being the way i am (SA and the whole blushing thing) tried to pretend i didn't see her, yeah sad i know but i can't handle these things! Not that it worked cos she noticed me and came over...queue jibbering nervous wreck me. God I hate myself sooo much for reacting the way i do, felt my whole face glow and me hands and legs were shaking so much i thought i was going to collapse ...lol. Bet she thought i've turned into a right weirdo. The show went fantastic and i was so proud of my daughter!
This week so far i've had to face a chat with a teacher about my youngest daughters progress on my own, another thing i hate doing.
Today i have to go up school for the prize giving ceremony for the infants and tomorrow for the juniors......ARGH!
Thing about these sort of things is i feel i stick out like a big sore thumb, ya know the sad mum sat alone at the end of an isle of seats, everyone else havin' a good ole laugh and me sitting there twiddling with me phone just to try and look sorta busy and relaxed.
Why am i like this??? Why can't i be a 'normal' mum. I feel like such a let down to my kids at times and i love them more than life its self.
Damn SA....Grrrr!!!

This is me!

Well thought i'd give this ago, unsure at the mo as to what i should write. I suppose i'll start of with how i found this here site which was from a link on the Changes forum that i read, i would quite like to go to a meeting but am way to nervous to, but maybe one day.
As for me well suffered from depression in the past (well still sorta getting over it) have good and bad days, don't we all! but my biggest problem is the dark cloud i call SA (Social Anxiety) i just don't think there is enough awareness out there on it for people to actually understand what i sufferer goes through, believe you me, it's tough. So many people just take things for granted which i and fellow sufferers would take alot of courage to do. Just for say answering the door!
SA makes me such a social outcast as i have no friends or life really cos i tend to hide away to keep the anxiety at bay. Trust me i feel so ALONE even though i have a hubby and 3 most adorable kids in the whole wide world!
School yard is a place i feel most like a leper, i stand alone looking down at the floor or gazing around and seeing all the other mums in groups fitting in chatting, to me that would be a dream and a nightmare for the fact that if anyone does try to talk to me (very rare) i go all hot and flustered, my heart will start pounding so hard, i go shaky and feel like i'm going to faint....it's so horrible this feeling and have had it all my life.
I would love to meet fellow sufferers in my area but just don't know where to begin!
Best stop me whining now or i'll bore ya to death!
See how all this goes : }